wHaT DuH!!!

DO ONE THING EVERYDAY THAT SCARES YOU

2011-04-23T00:24:00.004+08:00

I'm officially a month old here in my new company and so far I have learn to make new friends. By now I already love the idea of working night shift and saying good night when the sun rises. I've been able to change night by day, I can sleep sound at times when the sun is at its best. And the best thing ever happened to me so far was the idea of conquering one fear.

Since the day I began to let my world revolved around here, I have learned that elevators are not that scary after all. Got this claustrophobia issues. I don't hate close places but I can't deny I'm scared and that's not by choice. It just happen, I just feel it whenever everything is closed and there is no air coming in and out. Makes me faint and eventually my heart's screaming out for help. I have that fear for so long and I have suffered two long weeks to tame myself with elevators. Told myself that I don't need to access the stairways from ground to 10th floor every time I'm going to eat at the cafeteria. Hurray! I managed to let that fear go away. At least with elevators.

They said that doing a thing that scares you everyday will help you get out of your comfort zone, and that is exactly what had happen. I can now say goodbye to the long and tiring staircases.

Tomorrow I'll start to quit smoking, gradually and eventually staying quit.

So help me God!

PAP SMEAR

2011-04-09T04:04:00.002+08:00

A Pap smear (Pap test) is a test of a sample of cells taken from a woman's cervix. The test is used to look for changes in the cells of the cervix that show cervical cancer or conditions that may develop into cancer. --- some web definition I've bumped across.

Yayksssss!!!! It's a long wait for dreamland to come and considering I still have to ride the elevator worth 2 minutes down to the lobby plus around 4 seconds to badge out and then of course the undying jeepney ride from Ayala to Lapu-lapu City. And still I got 1 hour and 30 minutes left before I can go out of the office says my timecounter desktop display that won't go away until you choose to close the application, courtesy of a friend Ryan Luke Daque (shhhh he never know anything about this, harhar).

Anyway as time draws closer to weekend, I heard someone talking about pap smear and a lot of good lucks and oh-my-god-by-the-way-anyway-subway along the pap smear topic. Since I'm a no-knowledge-i-dont-care-about-that-medical-issue man I chose to be on my own. I got tired of doodling that is not going anywhere other than a mess so I opted to just open blogger.com and write something irrelevant. So here, I come up with this.

Timecounter check - 1 hour and 6 minutes remaining...

Happy weekend everybody!

HOW SMALL IS YOUR WEB BROWSER?

2011-04-07T23:08:00.006+08:00

Since nobody is buying my semi-desperate move on sitting 1 meter away from my assigned trainer today, I came up with putting some illegal things undetected (only for some idiot like me), just my idea of staying awake.

That is how my screen looked 5 minutes ago and all the time following after this post... Lotus Notes Mail on the background (the legal stuff), and yeah, my web browser (the illegal one) on the reading pane. hahaha. CLEVER! Thanks to Google Chrome for having a Minimal theme featured all white-colored background browser.

Up now, since twitter is flooded with same updates for the latest 7.4 magnitude earthquake in Japan might as well browse my favorite blogs. I'm done reading Alta's 365 project (http://altadc.multiply.com/journal), I'm half way done with Swerver, Ink (http://swerver.multiply.com/journal) and I'll be all around the blog sphere tonight!

Yet I'm still on my mission to kick-some-ass-tonight-crusade!

What's Procrastinating You?

2011-04-07T04:21:00.005+08:00

This is officially my third week at my new job and so far I still don't know what to do or how to do things for a start. It's not that I'm so stupid catching up things but I was not given a chance to catch things up or was I given the chance but I was such an idiot not to?

I woke up early today, by early I mean 3 o'clock in the afternoon since I'm into graveyard shift. Usually I arrive home from work around 7 o'clock in the morning, do some FACEBOOKING things, eat my dinner and then head to bed by around eight in the morning. Early today started around 6pm in the afternoon since I drove myself back to dreamland the moment I hit the snooze button on the alarm.

It's not very usual for me to think about things on how to kill time. When I was at my previous job I settled for a busy-busy-very-busy routine. 20 minute break was almost close to impossible. Now it's different, the exact opposite. The moment I wake up, stretch some muscles, pour hot coffee over my 6 inches tavern mug and then the most stressful thinking follows up next --- what am i gonna do to kill time today? EXCRUCIATING!

I'm not gonna make this an exception, NO! It's not that I'm new I can't be busy, significantly busy that is. I don't want this company paying me for not doing anything at all. Tomorrow i'll be kicking some ass until somebody would turn to me and give me something to munch.

Tomorrow is going to be a busy work day for me. Good luck to myself for this mission!

IN THE ONLY WAY I KNOW HOW, GOODBYE!

2010-02-07T22:36:00.002+08:00

Written almost one year ago when everything has to stop...

IN THE ONLY WAY I KNOW HOW, GOODBYE!

I came here In Cebu bagged with nothing but hopes of having a life less painful than the life I have experienced before. Hoping somewhere in the city I could find a job I would be forever proud of. I decided to change the course I’m taking somehow to escape the painful memories brought about by some hopeless romance; it was all hopeless, just like that. If it was not for that dreadful romance, I wouldn’t be here after all, so in a way thanks for that!

When my initial job-hunting efforts came to nothing, I started to wonder if there is anything I could apply for as I had no experience in anything really and I certainly didn’t have any qualifications or skills, and probably not much talent either. But with practice I learned how to be a better liar at interviews and not long after that I got a job. Welcome to XXX! Hell in the making!

If it weren’t for the people I considered friends, I just think I wouldn’t last a day working with those noisy canines. It was you who made me sane for the rest of my stay. Thanks for that, really!

This place once become my favorite place comforted by the fact that each and every day living in hell, you’re all here to burn the fire with me. We’ll going to be just fine, but I’m not half as confident as I pretended to be, in the fact of the inside, I’m completely devastated that one of the remaining people on this planet who I felt close to seemed to be drifting out of my life. But of course this is not really goodbye, so don’t be sad. It’s goodbye to our lives as XXX's employees, but we definitely are going to see each other. I will say this goodbye in the only way that I know how. I still don’t know what life has to offer me, I have tried every possible way there is but I failed miserably. Knowing you all as a friend is one I considered a miracle.

This will come short since the idea of writing something witty and tear-jerky is quite out of my mind. I’m having trouble with words right now. I don’t know why, probably missing you would explain every bit of possible explanations there is.

All I really wanted to say is that, meeting you along my way was least expected. Thanks for the universe and whoever might have worked on the conspiracy to have our ways crossed, it was all worth it!

Thanks for the amazing friendship you all shared to me. Thanks for all the memories worth remembering for. Thanks for listening to me when I felt the world has given me too much. Thanks for making me realized of all the things that I have not seen before. Thanks for being part of my utterly messed-up ordeal. Thanks for reassuring me that I’m not going crazy when I’m driving nuts way overboard since all of us think that we are under the influence of drugs when we started laughing and shouting literally loud for Ms Jess getting really pissed off. Thanks for sharing your ears to me when I have a lot of unending stories not worth sharing for, but you have stayed right there to give some respect for the oldie trying so much to remember the last remaining good memories tripping down onto memory lane. Thanks for making me mad when I have to hear those seemingly annoying and regretful mistakes I have done crazily, but you all ended up rolling on the floor laughing almost literally mentally irregular. Thanks for laughing at my funny weird and funny ha ha jokes. And above all, thanks for just being there!

Ryan Luke, JL, Roding and Heart, thank you so much for making my stay here half as decent as it should be. I’m honestly divided by the joy of getting back to the wild once all will end here at XXX and the pain of losing good friends that I once accustomed waking up and hoping to see that smiles in your face. I shamefully admit that eventually I fell in love with the thought of seeing all of you almost every morning as I started to set up my work station to get ready for the day’s battle. All these will come to its end and I’m not sure if I can handle that nicely. I may have exaggerated all these yet I hope by the time I’m back to planet Earth I will realized that the light that burns brightly will eventually burn out. I know we will survive, so God bless us in every journey we’ll choose and chose to travel. Goodbye for now! I’ll be praying for all of us.

This would have been the part where I should say ‘period’ and then stopped writing but I’ll try to push my luck, so I decided to do a little twist. I want to say goodbye in the most awkward dialect I’m not fond of writing and most definitely SPEAKING, all things considered! But for whatever it’s worth. Here it is! Spelling and grammar subject for your kind consideration and understanding.

Nakakalungkot lang kasi isipin na hinayaan ka nang panahon matagpuan at makilala ang mga taong mamahalin mo at magmamahal sa iyo ngunit sa paglipas nang iilang pagkakataon ay mawawala din naman pala sila. Kung hindi man tuluyang mawawala eh maghihiwa-hiwalay din naman ang landas na inyong tatahakin. (Jesus Christ ga nosebleed nko anest!). Kung kailan mo natutunan mahalin ang mga taong hindi mo naman inakalang magiging tunay mong kaibigan ay sya rin naman ang panahon kung saan paghihiwalayin kayong nang kung sino man ang may akda sa boung pangyayaring ito. Ano ba ang tunay na dahilan kung bakit tayo pinagtagpo nang tadhana? Ano meron sa pamamaalam at bakit tayo nalulungkot sa mga panahong ito? Ano pa talaga ang tunay na saysay nang kalungkutan na dapat natin maranasan? Magiging mas tanyag na tao ba tayo kung malalagpasan natin ang lahat nang ito? Kailan mo maituturing na pagsubok ang isang bagay, sa pagtatagpo ba na alam mo namang maghihiwalay din o sa paghihiwalay na hindi mo alam kung magtatagpo pang muli?

Hindi ko rin alam ang mga kasagutan sa mga tanong. Ako ma’y naghihikaos din upang matustusan ang naguguluhan kong isipan.

Hindi ko talaga gawiin ang mga ganitong bagay. At lalong hindi ko alam ang ganitong klasing laro. Sadya lang siguro talagang hindi ko alam kung kailan mag paalam at kung kailangan nang mag paalam.

To JL who is always up for something witty whenever everything gets so damn boring, thanks for the load of trivia which by the way I haven’t won a single round to Ryan Luke. Dammit! Hehe.. Thanks for the infectious ‘bese ka? tsat ta?’ reason enough that I can’t finish all my legal task on time, hahaha… See you around the neighborhood.

To Jolin, my Heart most of the time, sorry for all time bad times. Sorry if acted a real asshole once in your life. Thank you for making me smile and thank you for sharing your family to me even if it’s only for a short while, it was terrific! And mostly thank you for being my billiard-buddy, I’m just so weak in my knees, I can hardly speak, I lose all control, with you by my side I swallow my pride. nyahahahaha!

To Roding who have been kicking my ass hehehe, it was funny! Thanks for taking care of me whenever I got the world spinning around. I know how sacred every text messages you sent and I’m glad you’re wasting some of that for me just to check if I’m doing just fine after all the vertigo attacks.

And to Ryan Luke, no doubt you’re acting like Piolo Pascual hahahaha. Thanks for always being there for me whenever I needed some sane-slash-insane person to talk to. Thanks for listening to my craps. Thanks for acting like Popax during his absence. Thank you for making me pissed off most of the time, hahahaha, just kidding. Thank you for saying ‘yes’ when no one else does.

And then again, I said this goodbye in the only way I know how.

BE SAFE!

fly to the moon and back

2009-10-23T23:54:00.005+08:00

THE PAST…

If you dreamed of something and pursued to make it happen but eventually you failed, and you woke up, and then slept again and then dreamed of another dream, made a move to make it happen again and you woke up like a big joke was thrown out from somewhere you don’t really know but you know exactly that for the nth time you dreamed, you flunked the nth time as much as you dreamed the nth time, would you still have the courage to sleep and dream again? Or would you give up sleeping and rather find what’s “dream phobia” termed?

When will you stop believing?

TODAY

I am happy today. My routine is to steal a nap every noon break, it always comes after the bell gives me a go signal. Today I was not so successful doing that. I was about to trip into unconsciousness when my phone jerked to life from my trouser pocket; vibrations sent a tickle to my groins.

“unsa nay ayu dha?” (anything good?)

“wlay ayu dri” (nothing's good) was the only reply I can give closest to reality.

“aw. Kanus-a ka kutob dha man?” (oh. 'til when will you staying there?)

Ah that was easy. Told him I’ll be until November, no contracts.

“kada adlaw ky mag labad ulo dri bai. Ang pnka una nga task ky ipa hmo ug calculator nga exakly d same sa windows calculator. Krn ang dedlyn” (headache is a serious routine here. our first task is to make a calculator exactly the same as the windows' calculator. today is the deadline)

WOW! That’s my good friend, and that’s his dream, to be a programmer. His dream has come true, if not absolutely, at least it’s coming to reality. That’s how I figured it out. Good for him, he deserves a life like that. I am honestly happy to hear from him today. I did not expect though that he’ll strike me with a much puzzling-very-simple question. “ikaw unsa man imong drem?” (well, how 'bout you, what's your dream?) Naks!!! I hesitated for a couple of minutes, took me a little while starring blankly at the ceiling thinking “unsa bitaw tuod akong dream?” (yeah, what's my dream anyway?) And out of nowhere I replied “fly to the moon and back”

The problem is, I don’t know what I wanted with my life. I was never serious with all the things that were given to me. I played around too much that I have forgotten to reflect about having a dream and working out to make them come true. Least, I can’t remember the last time I had a dream.

What‘s it like to have a dream?

Who’d tell you that it’s a dream you’re dreaming?

And how does it feel you’re living the dream you’d been dreaming?

If dreams are meant to come true, what is destiny then?

Are dreams only meant for dreamers who are destined to have their dreams come true?

I don’t know, really! I struggle to think of my dreams but they were all gone. Swift along with the wind and now I don’t have any idea if I still have the guts to dream and fail again. I’ve been to a series of meandering experiences, all for nothing, meandering just like that.

TONIGHT

Someone told me not to give up on everything, no matter how hard it is. Said that blessings are given to those who believe. It is a cliché that the greatest glory in life is not in never falling; it is in standing every time you fall. Yeah sure, I got that loud and clear. But how frequent is every time and when will it stop? They said that failure is not a defeat unless you stop trying. But what if you lost every inch of self-esteem you’ve got? What if it’s your mind and heart that have given up already? What if your prayers can’t be heard? Would you still have the reason to believe?

My faith is crashing in front of my face. I want to fight and tell the world that I’m still that kid who dreamed that someday I would fly to the moon, and by the time I’m back, a hero’s welcome is waiting for me to celebrate. But how will I ever do that if I was not given the opportunity to fight, if there were no battles to fight for and if fighting is all but pointless?

I have only a pint of hope left. And tonight I'm taking the the act where most people simply refuse to take the chance. Tonight, all I need is to dream and fill that piece of hope.

Tonight… I will dream!

love letter for nobody

2009-10-12T18:42:00.001+08:00

last night i dreamt about you
you looked at me and you gave me the most beautiful smile you ever had.
it felt heaven when you kiss me and told me that you'll love me forever.

i woke up today thinking about you.

how long has it been for you?
for me its been quite a couple of months.
i'm not a believer of love at first sight, but you prove me wrong.
i fell in love with you the very first time i laid an eye on you.
how did you do it?
was it your eyes?
your smile?
or maybe your pretty face.

did i ever tell you how beautiful you are?
do you dream of me too?

i know how hurt you were when i told you i wont die for you
believe me it's true
coz i always wanted to stay alive for you.

though i will always be there to love you and take care of you
but i cant promise that i will always have the wisdom to understand you
no matter what, i will stand right before you with firm conviction.

it scares me every time i think of you
it scares me more when i try to close my eyes
it drives me insane when the world is at its darkest
coz i know your coming close

why are you there when everything else is gone?
why would you chose to talk to me when im in coma?
from which dimension are you from?
are you an angel?
an immortal sent down from heaven to teach us mortals what beauty really is?

even with all this crazy stuff i have in mind
i still would like to see you
and even if you're just a dream
it makes me complete to know that i will always wake up with you.

where am i?

2009-10-11T15:46:00.003+08:00

suddenly i woke up one morning and realized i missed blogging. i missed my life and i missed everything that i'm doing. i missed my grammatically-wronged blogs, i missed the freedom of writing. i missed my self-proclaimed impeccable logic harhar!!!...

so here... I'M BACK BLOGGING!!!

2009-04-01T00:01:00.000+08:00

i confess, im confused ! ! !

2009-01-24T21:14:00.008+08:00

It's been almost a year since the last time I was home. I miss home so much; I did not quite admit to myself or anyone else that I was getting homesick periodically, but the truth is I am crying silently inside every time my mama's face floats through my mind.

In retrospect, it wasn't a very smart choice to live an island away from home, considering that I still have my "I-need-to-be-taken-care-of" attitude. But somehow I have managed to live with and even to enjoy the solitude. I have pretended so much for so long, that i guess I have mastered my performance. By pretending to be just fine when I'm not, saying "yes" when I mean "no", and saying "it's okay" even if it hurts, I've become an expert in these matters.

Now I'm away from home again and there's no sense pretending, I really missed home, above all, I miss mama so much. I remember that day, December 24 when I reached home straight for the groggy ten-hour ferry trip back home. I hug my mom as tight as I could give without hurting her. She lost too much weight, I figured. She hugged me back and smiled. I asked her even though I know her answer would hurt me "ma, kaila pa kas ako?" She smiled, and then nodded. I tried my luck even more, hoping I could hear my name on her lips "uhmmm kinsa man ko?" Again she gave me a smile then murmured "ahmm ikaw si kuan, si kuan, hehehe, kinsa gani ni ha, si kuan bah, hehehe." i drop a pint of tears upon hearing that. I just said " I missed you mom" then proceeded to my room to change. I can't control my emotion so i let go of a full-blast cry. Papa was there and noticed i was crying really hard so he approached me then said "son, I know that hurts, but what can we do, she's sick."

"how bad is she pa?"

"quite bad, she forgot everything, she even couldn't get to complete a single sentence. She can't say any names of anything and everything at that. I figured she even forgot her name" Papa confessed.

He noticed I twist my face and tears flowed out of my already wet eyes. He hugged me tight and said " son, you're here for Christmas, let's stick to it that way. We'll make it through, it's OK"

I was not OK! There is nothing OK with all that. My mom who carried me nine months in her womb, took care of me for almost 24 years of my existence, and just a single tumor hit her brain she forgot about me, my name, everything about me! That hurts a lot! And there is no greater pain than seeing her suffer the pain she feels every time the tumor reacted inside her head. And that's one hell of a good reason to cry. Life is just so unfair. It is and it will never be fair.

I received a call from Papa today to say Hi and said Mom is suffering yet again the pain in her head and that he's afraid he might get her to the hospital. I was caught red-handed with that. After the call, I said a prayer and then stopped.

I wonder how could all these be happening?

Is this someone so powerful who created us enjoys the sight of all this?

If He is by nature benevolent why does he won't make a way to make my mom feel better?

What's He up to?

Where is he talking me, my mom and my whole family?

Where and when will this end?

Can He even hear me?

Is this another trial?

What for?

Why would you have to suffer to learn?

And what will I learn with all this?

I don't know...

I tried to search for Him in the crucifix but he wasn't there. I tried to look for him in the church, the temples and the mosques but he wasn't any where near the sanctuary. I explored the books and the bible but he was beyond the understanding and philosophy of the aristocrat. I scrutinized the beauty of creation, trees, birds, rivers and sea but he didn't leave a trace of him there. I want to talk to Him. Where else can i find him? Have I forgotten to search inside my heart? I hope I didn't.

2009-01-24T16:10:00.004+08:00

bLooDshot!!!

2008-11-15T11:09:00.000+08:00

for the past few weeks i haven't replied to texts and emails, i did not return the calls or whatever there is to return. i was and still running in the state of the most corniest drama of all time "im busy with my job" na na na!!! for all my friends, classmates, girlfriends, buddies, you know who you are, sorry im just having a bloodshot near my head right at this point... thank you for visiting my site... ill catch up on all of you when i got the best of time to do it... please bear with me on my drama...

the unfair reality !!!

2008-10-07T15:02:00.008+08:00

It’s been four days now since I took my exam in just another company here in Cebu. The best thing is I got a perfect score in their exam, I repeat, I got a perfect score!!! I admit the exam was just another English proficiency test, the kind of exam everybody is so familiar with. We were around more than twice a dozen who took the exam and only 7 of us or eight (I wasn't really counting that time) who passed that no-sweet-intellectually-insulting-exam or so I thought. The exam wasn't that easy after all, assuming that only 7 or 8 just passed that exam out of more than twice a dozen individuals. Easy may not be quite appropriate to describe that exam, but then again I got the perfect score. I finished the exam in just a short period of time, less than 10 minutes, that's fast enough for a 60 item test and considering there was actually reading comprehension, the part I hated the most. It was a computer generated exam where you can see your score right after the test. I called the exam attendant and told her I'm done, so she hurriedly click the evaluate button. The page took no less than a thrill to load for the exam result, and kaboom!!!! the exam-attendant's eyes almost literally popped-out and eventually dropped her jaw, then blurted out "whattt?" and then another "my God!!!" then a "is this even real?" after that seemingly unending half-shout-can't-believe expressions, she managed to looked down on me, since I'm seated and she's standing I looked back on her and given her a sweet victorious smile. She managed to jot down my scores and congratulated me for a job well done then told me to wait outside for the initial interview. Indeed I waited outside for my interview for one hour and some couple of minutes almost bored. Then my name was called and handed out my resume and my test result to the guy whose name sounded like Deo, i guess Leo or maybe Reo, I don't know. Then again I received the same reaction like the one the exam-attendant has given me earlier that day. After some traces of shock and a couple is-this-for-real look in his face he managed to let some voice out of his mouth. The first question he ever asked was "were you bored while waiting for your interview?" I said "no sir, waiting is doing something; getting bored is doing nothing at all." I gave myself 50 points for that (maybe he cursed his self for asking that). He asked me without looking at my resume if I finished college which I thought very silly to ask for that moment. I said yes and told him I'm already an engineer. That was the time he drop my test result at the table which is the only thing that separated us then studied my resume for the first time. It took him almost five minutes to do that then finally broke the silence he created with a phrase "tell me something about yourself". My answers were very well rehearsed, no falters whatsoever. Then another minute of silent, then another round of questions and another silence in between questions. It was so obvious that I took him aback the time I handed him my test result. He asked me how the exam was, I told him it was fair, he then followed-up with you perfected the exam, was that easy? i said no sir, the exam was just fair not so easy not so hard, it was just fair, I was presented with four choices each questions, all I needed to do is to pick the right answer, fortunately I picked all the right answers. He nodded to agree. He ended my interview just like that and told me he'll send me and email about the feedback of my interview eleven o'clock the following day but I didn't received any email feedback. And now I'm still waiting for the feedback.

I assumed I did not pass my interview or he just purposely didn't want me to proceed to the final interview because he was too scared of me or maybe I intimidated him with the test result. It wasn't my intention. He didn't give me a fair interview after all. It wasn't an interview for God sake, it was just a conversation strangers usually throw to each other just to start a conversion. I may never have that job but I did my best, everything that I can, but none of that mattered anymore.

This is such a big world. Every time the sun's going down here, it's going up somewhere else. There is always something happening somewhere, and maybe what is happening here is not mine. I might fail a couple more job opportunities here but I know I have more good things waiting for me somewhere else's. Giving up may not be my choice but getting tired is not something that I can control. I admit I'm already tired, and I'm already losing every inch of hope I have. Right now I don't know exactly if I could hold on to this a little longer.

One time an interviewer asked me "you're too thin and small for this job, you're only a kid, do you think you can do this?" I gave him a look and told him "sir, with all due respect, have you heard the story of a young man named David and how he killed the giant? Whatever you are and whatever you do if you believe in yourself and have faith, I think you can face and defeat the giant." I created a silence with that, then he said thank you for my time. I went out of his office, head's up and contented.

Now I don't know what else will come my way, what questions will I have to answer, sarcastically or seriously? I know I can't please everyone, but I know that there is somebody out there who will like the way I think and the way I speak.

Who says that LIFE is fair? It is not, life is not about being FAIR. It is about SURPASSING the unfair reality...

the price of dreaming!!!

2008-09-24T00:06:00.006+08:00

this is my third week stay in Cebu and so far I wasn't able to beat what was supposed to be my deadline to land a decent job here. Now i'm so afraid what will come my way. i dont want to stay a lot longer here than one month without a job and definitely doing nothing. im losing all my hopes. i have been to a series of interviews and exams. the exams were good but i can't figure out what i've done or said wrong during my interviews.

i just cant get a job!!! i have done the best that i can. i have said the most honest thing there is to say. i have been praying a lot. is there something wrong with me? what have i done to deserve this? i dont feel secure anymore. im already ashamed of what is happening to me now. i can't think a lot better now.

i dont want to go back home like a loser. i dont know what to believe now. i dont know what is left for me here. all i know is im not giving up. not yet. and i dont know if i can still convince myself with that.

ken lee

2008-09-20T16:52:00.003+08:00

i really find this very funny so i posted it here!!! hehehe... enjoy "ken lee"

i was killed twice this week!!!

2008-09-15T18:12:00.013+08:00

over the past years and every waking moments of my life, only here in Cebu that i felt i was so stupid. i was rejected by two call center industries in a matter of days. i felt a lot better about myself the moment i woke up Tuesday morning to prepare for my exam and interview, that was my first attempt to land a job in a call center industry and my first in Cebu to seek for a decent job. i went there at the office of my intention half satisfied i made it there on time even without knowing which way and what cab I'll be taking. i was seated there for almost half an hour waiting for the exam to start. the girl with a very nice American accent called my name which of course caught me red-handed even with all the preparations i had. the exam went a little too easy for me. the latest count of applicants i heard was 28, but 25 of them went home earlier than they've expected after the first round of English proficiency test. only three of us were left for the 2nd and 3rd round, then i was left standing alone after the 3rd set of exam. i passed the exams all alone. yeahey!!! then i was asked to fill-up the employment form which i did politely. i waited for another half hour to face the most disappointing final interview ever. i was seated inside a small but cozy room with a gay (happens to be my interviewer for that moment) and a girl (said she's there to observe). then the disaster happened, i was really thinking that the interview would be just as ordinary as every interview I've went through. i was thinking he would asked me to tell him something about myself like the usual round of questions most companies will ask just to start a conversion but i was thinking too well that i got it really wrong. i was shocked when he asked me to tell him something about Bruce Willis. i was really stunned that i lost track of what is happening. i was quiet for about a hundred ages and hadn't recovered myself back. i opened my mouth but i wasn't able to say a thing that is quite correct. i said 'uhmm' then another 'uhmm' then said something about die hard, the tumbling, the helicopter almost on the ground but Willis was there to saved the day. I literally misidentified Willis from Superman, i couldn't construct a very decent sentence. i knew i was miserable by the time i started to open my mouth. i flunked the interview, i flunked the whole thing and Bruce Willis was the root cause of all evil i was into that day. i went home smiling but disappointed. i told myself that there are still a lot of call centers and that i don't need to know much about Willis to be able to land a job. but the story doesn't just stop there. hooooo that was one heck of a pakeng experience in my life. i mean questions like that are not actually very stupid to ask considering that I'm inside a call center premises where the HRs are probably looking for a candidate who knows how to articulate every thing that is coming out of ones mouth. it was totally my fault and my bad. and now i have a strong feeling that I've got phobia on call centers.

maybe call centers are not for me. someday soon I'll find a job that fits me most. but being killed twice in a week isn't the kind of fun i have in mind. i manage a good laugh though, and now I'm still alive, unemployed!!!

ventures to the unknown

2008-09-08T12:00:00.002+08:00

after the heart breaking kisses, hugs and goodbyes i made it to Cebu, unemployed yet hoping to discover the height of my career in another location. Cebu is never my ambition, i love Cagayan de Oro so much that i told myself i will never leave the place. I've been living in CDO for quite a while, 10 years to be exact. I love the people there, i love everything in CDO. but life never gave me the opportunity i was looking for in CDO. i was employed in two companies for some time but it was just that, employed but not productive, productive but not what im looking for. so i decided to move to another place. now im sitting here, doing the online job hunting. no proper address and very much afraid of what life can offer me here. im totally an alien here, i dont even know what cab i'll be riding to go to what-place-is-that-again. there are plenty of companies up for grab but i dont know where they are located. i have a lot of colleages here but i miss the company of friends i have in cebu. for sure i'll be looking forward to be with them again. i'll surely miss my room in 4th street nazareth. i will miss the smiles and the giggles we have every morning i and my room mate idol woke up. i will miss the shouts and laughs with my boardmates. the nonsense talk and disscussions i have with opong, elsa, yaya, nanay, kimpoy, taas, new, ron, marlon, nick, fred, dabid and alvin will surely be missed.

the decision was final, i cannot go back and take what has been done. im here, i need to be here. i always believe that if you lose some, you gain some. i may not be with my friends in cdo but i can always have another friends here in cebu. i need to work hard and move on. this is my life now. cebu is where im at. i need to live here. im ready to face the challenges and succeed. i will fly soon.

love me when im gone!!!

2008-07-07T18:27:00.002+08:00

There's another world inside of me
That you may never see
There're secrets in this life
That I can't hide
Somewhere in this darkness
There's a light that I can't find
Maybe it's too far away...
Or maybe I'm just blind...
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
Wants to be the one
You wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I couldI'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone
When your education X-Ray
Cannot see under my skin
I won't tell you a damn thing
That I could not tell my friends
Roaming through this darkness
I'm alive but I'm alone
Part of me is fighting this
But part of me is gone

maybe im just blind...

half dead...

2008-06-02T13:24:00.002+08:00

right at this very moment all i have to say is that im still an idiot.
or should i say i am vulnerable of embracing the thought of some stupid temptations.
i hate myself when i need to say or act or do anything that is out of my will.
fuck it all!!!
why can't i stop this?!!!
why cant you stop it?!!!
stop tempting me!!!
stop talking to me!!!
and please stop acting as if everything is just fine because you're not stupid not to know everything is devastating me!!!
stop asking if im ok because i cant be ok!!!

dont you know that...
im bleeding?
im hurting?
im drowning?
im beginning to hate you?

it's amazing how you knock me off my feet
makes me feel uneasy
makes me darn weak and fool

you make me want for more
every time you touch me i feel bliss
you send shiver to my bones
and i love you for doing that

dont wait till i get a gun
because for sure i wont kill myself
it could be you or him or everybody

stop making me feel stupid coz i am already one
stop acting crazy coz you're not proving your worth
STOP HURTING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IM ALMOST FED UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DONT DARE TAKE THE DEVIL OUT OF ME!!!!

ilalum sa akong katre

2008-05-29T05:06:00.001+08:00

i wrote this about 2 years ago.

story line written in my own dialect (for those who can't understand, just take another post to read)... enjoy..

Tunga-tunga sa akong pagkatulog naka mata kos kasaba sa mga tao, kung wala ko na sayop alas onse na kadto sa gabii. ni gawas ko sa akong kwarto kay akong gisusi unsa ang hinungdan sa kasaba sa gawas. nahibaw-an ko na lang dayon nga naa diay nag away nga mga kalalakihang hubog. Kung nahinumduman kog ayo ang mga panghitabo, naay mga pulis nag-aparta sa mga lalaki nga kung makasinggit murag tag-iya og pilipinas. ni balik kos akong kwarto aron magpadayon sa akong pagkatulog. andam na ako para matulog apan nadunggan ko nga naay galihok sa ilalum sa akong katre. sa akong katingala akong gisil-ip...

"nag unsa ka diha?" ako nangutana.

"pahawa diri!" tubag sa tao.

sa akong bana-bana ang tao nag edad mukabak sa kapin-kulang byente dos anyos. puti kaayo sa kahadlok ang tao sampang iyang gatabunan iyang mata.

"hoy ga-unsa ka diha og gi-unsa nimo pag sulod diri sa akong kwarto? siguro kawatan ka?" sa usab kung pagpangutana.

apan ang tao wala ni tubag ug padayon sa pagtabon sa iyang mata.

"gawas diha!" gisugo ko ang tao, hapit nako nalagot kaniya.

sa dihang pag istorya nako ni-ani, naghinay-hinay siya og gawas sa ilalum sa akong katre.

"ayaw ko hilabti" matud pa sa tao.

"nganong hilabtan ta man ka, ako gani unta ang dapat manghanyo sa imo nga dili ko hilabtan, unsa ba'y gibuhat nimo diha?"

"diri man ko nag puyo, upat na ka-adlaw" iyang tubag.

ako natingala kaayo ni-ani. gibana-bana ko nga ang tao siguro naay sakit sa ulo og kung dili naay galakag kaniya busa nitago kini ilalum sa akong katre. gipalingkod ko ang tao nga hangtud sa adtong mga orasa gikulbaan pa kaayo. gi-ignan ko ang tao nga dili mahadlok kay dili ko man siya hilabtan. mukuha unta kog tubig aron kini ihatad kaniya apan sa pag duha-duha ko wala ko na lang gibuhat. dugay-dugay pud ayha na wala ang kakulba sa tao. halata pa kini nga usahay mukurog pa siya sa dihang mutan-aw siya kanako.

"unsay pangalan nimo?" gipangutana ko siya.

"jkhan..." ang iyang tubag.

"aha ka gapuyo?"

sa ika-duha nga higayon gi-sultian ko niya nga didto kuno siya sa akong kwarto nag puyo upat na kaadlaw. wala ko na lang gisupo kay murag seryoso man siya, gihunahuna ko na lang nga wala siguro kini balay mapuy-an busa namakak na lang kini... gisultian ko siya nga dako man akong katre, ipapuyo ko na lang sa siya sa akong kwarto samtang maghunahuna siya aha gyud siya tinouray ga puyo.

didto nga higayon nagkahigalaay kami ni Jkhan. ubay -ubay pud ang panag-istoryahay namo. nahibaw-an ko nga akong panag-an bahin sa iyang edad insakto diay, nangidad sa byente dos anyos si Jhkan, lumulupyo sa Bukidnon. nilampos cya sa pag-iskwela isa na katuig ang nilabay sa tunghaan sa Xavier University, sa dihang ni gradwar siya milawig kini diretso sa sugbu aron sa iyang pag review og nipasar sa iyang board exam isip usa ka enyehero. sa tunga-tunga sa among panaglambigit nakaplagan ko nga dugay ko na man diay gisuot ang akong sinina, dili ko na man gani mahinumduman kung kanus-ang higayon last ko nag ilis basta ang namatikdan ko lamang dugay nako walay ilis. nitingdog ko aron sa pag-ilis. sa dihang pag-abri nako sa akong kabinet ako natingala pag ayo.

"kinsa man kaning mga sinina, dili man pamilyar sa ako?"

"ako kanang mga sinina naa diha" matud pa ni Jkhan.

"apan...."

"sama sa gi-ingon ko na sa imo, diri na ako nag-puyo. nangisog kog puyo diri kay wala na akoy lain makit-an nga balay puloy-anan. wala ko damha nga kining mga higayon nga kita magkita og magka-istoryahanay." sa pagstorya niya ni-ani, mikuha kini og dyaryo gikan sa drawer sa akong lamisa. gitunol niya kanako ang dyaryo. "basaha kana" mandar ni Jkhan kanako.

samtang nagbasa ako sa dyaryo...

"lawig na sa lugar nga ikaw mahilum og magmalipayon. dili ka na apil diri, dili na kini imong lugar. pahulay na" ang sulti ni Jkhan.

wala ko na dayon nahibaw-an unsay sunod nahitabo, ang last kong nabasahan sa dyaryo maoy naka esplikar asa tanan butang nga wala ko nangasabtan.

ang dyaryo nag-ingon...

"binaltiyo nga nag edad byente singko anyos nakit-an ilalum sa iyang katre, patay. hangtud sa karong mga orasa wala pa nahibaw-an sa mga otoridad ang hinungdan sa iyang pagkamatay."

mao lang to tanan. har har wala koy lingaw... dili man diay ko maayo mag sulat og short story ngee... ang ilusyon og imahinasyon nga gi-ubanan sa ambisyon is the one!!!!

today is the day!!!!

2008-04-30T09:52:00.006+08:00

i woke up 6:00 am to prepare myself for another battle of work. i did the usuals, coffee, cigar (ehmmm) then headed straight to the comfort room for some comforting activities. when i finished deposited everything ive got from the previous day, the most discomforting thing happened. WLAY TUBIG!!! seyt!!! im more of a water than a toilet-paper-man and to my dismay there wasnt any volume of water stored at the water tank. what the pak! i cant flush the bowl (gross!) and nothing to clean my butt (sucks!). i was stuck at the CR for more than 30 minutes and it seemed eternity. added with pressure of not getting late for job was the most disappointing moments of my life. after three rounds of our-father-hail-mary-glory-be, the mighty water came back...

AT LAST ! ! !

and i was 10 minutes late for job with the raging 2 peso salary deduction per minute late, woooh thank you very much...

happy birthday mama!!!

2008-04-16T13:28:00.000+08:00

today is my mom's birthday!!! after the life and death situation she's gone she manage to wake up and told san pedro she wanted to live a lot more longer!!! my mom is a total survivor!!!

happy birthday mama!!! i love you sooooooo much!!! thank you for the wonderful life you have given me... i love you once again!!!

Unsolicited Mail ! ! !

2008-04-02T14:22:00.009+08:00

i received an email from a friend with this original context...

hi royce,

hoy mustah? i heard engineer naka? wow! royce congrats jud ai! i knew it then when we were still in highscholl that you'll be an engineer! wow!

let me see how good you are!!!

1. When radium (atomic number 88) emits an alpha particle, the
resulting nucleus has atomic number.?

2. what device is used for separating sound of different frequencies?

3. what is the original equation of the accelaration due to gravity where g = 9.806 m/s^2 was derived?

hehehe... i'll be glad to hear from you soon!!!

regards from NJ,

@@@@@@@

i read the mail atleast one hundred seventeen times before i got back to my senses, then said to myself "the son of the wealthy bitch!"

for the moment i felt like an equiblibrist ready to fall, blood rushed to my face. i felt so weak, im having an abnormally high acidity of my blood and on my body fluids, meds called it acidosis. and of course not to mention, HIGHBLOOD!.

my initial reaction was to ask my cybermates (classmates sa internet cafe) "kinsay isog sa inyo?" then a big fuck you alongside with the dirty finger gesture directed straight towards the monitor. i wanted very much to kill someone right at that very moment! suddenly i understood how people could kill in the moment of rage and plead tempory insanity. i blurted out loud "nag HEHEHE pang animal!"

i stood up, went to the cafe attendant and politely asked for a pen and a scratch paper. the very honorable attendant gave me a blue pen and a newspaper which at the moment leave me with a questioning mind "where the hell will i suppose to write my solutions here?" anyway i took the newspaper and headed back to my working place.

20 minutes passed, i solved number 1, yehey! then there came the cafe attendant yelling "station 8, time na!"

"open time man ko" i yelled back.

"aw" was the urgent and only response.

i proceeded with number 2. hahaha. slap your face! google did the job.

number 3 was the headache of all the carabaos in the face of the planet. google didn't make sense. google was outdated. google was downright useless. so i tried mr. jeeves. no matches found. i entered every possible key words and still no useful matches. i typed all the words in question #3. no good.

i felt like i had hang-over from a night's party. i didn't find the answers. i used my other life line, ask the audience. my audience at that moment was a young boy, probably 8 years old. a slippery, slimy substance secreted by mucous glands covering and lubricating the inner surfaces of his respiratory, alimentary and gentourinary tracts were coming back and forth of his nose (my gas). i looked at him, he looked at me (very attentive) then he flashed a smile showcasing his teeth which i figured was not been touched by the blessing of a brushes ages ago before the dinosaurs were born! out of those annoying facts plus the thought that he couldnt helped me figure out the answers, i shouted at his face almost devoured his entire soul "hawa diri, boysitttt!" he ran outside as fast as he could like he was on a marathon race trying to win a gold medal in the olympics. cybermates were literally laughing.

i used my last life line, call a friend. text for this matter. i typed question #3 and sent them to furog, vyll, coconuts, popax, beshpren, gati, nixau, alta, aling, elsa, opong, genesis, diane, bianca. amee, idol, jashmin, katleen, marksan, tingcoy and chikm8.

ambot! na boang ka? oy musta na? was among the top three responses! no good!

i squezzed every cell membranes i got including those on my scrotums, the mighty muscular sac containing my testicles. gladly, i jumped twice, pakpak ka tulo and one victorious tumbling all for one reason, i am genuis! somewhere in my research activity i landed with a key words gravitational constant, it gives me a value of 6.670 x 10 -11 newton - m^2 / kg^2, so i played around the equation g = gravitatinal constant x mass of the earth / radius of the earth^2... tadahhhh.... i got it...

so i drafted my reply...

yo! musta? ok lang ko og kalouy sa diyos ulahi naka sa balita, almost 2 years nako engineer. anyway here is how good i am...
1. 86
2. acoustic wave filter
3. g = gravitatinal constant x mass of the earth / radius of the earth^2

then to hell was my last word before my first draft went on the trash folder. i think i dont have to prove anything how good i am from anybody. so i drafted another reply.

dear son of a wealthy bich in NJ,

your'e too late for the execution i've been an engineer for almost 2 years now!
how are you doin'? asa na man akong isa ka box nga bungot sa amerikana? ipadala na!!!
by the way can i have your home address? i wish to deliver a fed-exed food poison to you so you wont be able to send me another of your how-good-you-are crap, some unsolicited mails... im good in bed, i tell you...
be home soon and be safe!
kill me coz i'll kill you!!

regards from malaybalay bukidnon,

son of the poor not bitch in PHIL.

losing one of my testicles

2008-01-23T17:42:00.003+08:00

YOU DIDN"T SEND ME OUT!!! i just dont want to unleash the monster in me!!!

walking out of work for good is one of the best remedy i ever had experience in my entire life, it feels a lot lighter and very relieving. just like losing one of my testicles. i dont wanna go bitter but let me just tell you some honest and truthful reality.

1. you are one ambitious monkey with a very bad breath. yes! everytime you speak near my face i always wanted to cover my nose before i throw up!!!!

2. you got a very disgusting body odor. hell!! you really stinks..

3. you are a goddammit son of a bitch and a certified asshole.

for all the lives you ruin, for all the nightmares you brought, for the horrible face you have!!! here is one for you!!! a big FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!!! i hope all you've done will come back to you thousand folds like you always deserve...

and for the record, give yourself some respect because nobody likes you for sure!!! your'e not being respected dude!!! give yourself a break and try to brush your teeth, have some mouth wash with you, take a bath and change your scent!!! GOODBYE CHICKEN SHIT FUCKIN" COWARD!!! we'll see each other when we all die...

the world is coming back to me!!!

2008-01-14T16:07:00.000+08:00

whatever happened to me these past few days, the fun, the intellectual talks, the good relationship with my buddies, the love affairs, the romance, my work, my mood. my everything just came crashing right in front of my face. i don't know what is there for me to learn but I'm taking my life a little too easy and that is maybe the reason why I'm a bit confused today. i looked two years older than my real age. just this morning when i face the mirror i saw a very horrible face reflected upon my eyes. a solid black spot rounded the eye of what supposed to be a youthful figure of a man standing in front of that mirror. looking inside his eyes i saw worries, frustrations and fears.

a big mistake, i thought.

this is not me!!!

i am lost?

where have i been lately?

do i really have to equate work from hell?

do i really have to lose my intellect to suit myself to a group of friends who doesn't really mind if they're being leveled as idiots?

do i have to take few steps away from my friends who think they're better and all knowing so i can't hurt their feelings?

when is thinking become a crime?

when is critical become creative?

why does love after the commitment become a fallacy?

why when you spend a good life as a merry-go-round-happy-go-lucky the world will come back to you when all you wanted is to live your life to the fullest?

when is fun become a misery?

i will live my life exactly the way i want it to be... i want myself back!!!!

a time to kill!!!!

2007-12-28T08:33:00.000+08:00

it was supposed to be my turnover day today since my resignation was approved effective december 31, 2007 but nobody's appointed to replace my position so i was asked to extend my duty until someone will be appointed for my position... well, goddammit, i want to quit, i needed another job, i dont want this job any more!!! but since i owe one to this company i accepted the extension but without contract, any time i want to go, i can freely go... it's another time to kill...

anyway, extending my work would mean staying at my boarding house for some couple of days more.. nice idea since i will surely miss my boardmates who eventually help me shaped my being and made me the person that i am now... this photos was taken during our boarding house christmas party... it was fun, foods were overwhelming, and of course the drinks were superb... take a look...

then there was the party hangover...

and that was the day... merry christmas everybody and have a safe new year!!!! may God bless us all!!!

xu veterano in bohol

2007-12-03T11:15:00.001+08:00

one of the craziest thing i've done in my whole life. i went to have my escapade at Bohol one month before our board. i didn't ask permission from my parents since it would be insane to go unwinding when everyone is so busy studying and panicking for the board, but at least we called it "unwind". the best thing there is, we all passed our exam.

sMiLe iS nOt eNoUgH . . .

2007-11-15T16:37:00.000+08:00

LOVE . . .

. . . cAn tUrN tHE wOrLd

. . . UpSidE-dOwN . . .

the lost horizon ! ! !

2007-11-09T08:47:00.001+08:00

A year ago was the exact date today when i was announced REGISTERED, LICENSED ELECTRONICS AND COMMUNICATIONS ENGINEER. That day was the greatest day of my life since that was one of my dreams, and dream come true it was for me. Today is exactly my 10th month and 24 days at work.

WORK

The reason why I'm having a hard time sleeping. The only reason why i need to live away from my parents. The reason why i get tired each and every passing moments of my life. And the reason why I'm back writing. Oh yeah, work gives me a lot of reason to fulfill the questions of WHY.

Six months and four days ago i was settled at my former boarding house.

(let me just wander to somewhere. boarding house should not suppose to be the right term, it should have been lodging house. boarding house means a house where paying guests are provided with meals and lodging. lodging house is a house where rooms are rented. now, since I'm only paying for room rental and services are only limited to rental then I'm not actually living in a boarding house, it's a lodging house but since in the Philippines, in my beloved country, lodging connotes a different meaning that's why for some reason or two lodging house is not a good-to-hear term for someone like me living in a nice and quite place without too much of some mischievous acts and whatever. anyway that's just a piece of hey-that's-not-suppose-to-be. and my point is this....)

During my stay at my first lodging house (I'm confused now, boarding house?) I met this man, He's not too young and not too old neither. Maybe he's at his late 20 or so. He's visible at dark, nobody's staying around with him, that means he's alone every time I saw him in his favorite spot. He's of course in the range of my neighborhood or so i thought. I walked around through him each and every time i needed to buy something in a nearby store late nights. As usual his alone by himself trying to reach somehow somebody in his cellular phone. Sometimes it amazed me who he might constantly be texting when all at once he seem to me that he's someone without a friend. Or maybe he got somebody else at the other end of the line, who knows...

One time as i walked through him, again he's alone doing his usuals, he was murmuring angrily and seemed to get a little disappointed. He was constantly pressing the keys on his phone with great conviction. For a while i stopped to give him one confusing look. Maybe out of desperation he called out to me "balo ka ani bai? kalit lang man gud na off bag-o man ni charge ang batterry" then a "hehe" somewhere at his last word. I asked him questions as if I'm a pro "permi ni siya gakapalong og kalit?"

"oo, maglagot gani ko ani usahay kay kinahanglan pa i.dout, hehe, ayha ma on balik." he blurted

As if I'm some kinda expert or something i went to check his phone, and after a while i figured out that there were loss connections, gipangbira ko ra man to dyn na ayo lag kalit... That was the first time we had a chance to talk to each other. I found out after a couple of chit-chat that the man's name is Rolando, said his friends used to call him Landoy...

From there on, we always have some little time for small talk. I would spend 10 or 15 minutes maximum for some non-sense conversation. I never got a chance to asked him his personal life, though his been constantly asking about mine. Landoy said his 29 years old, stowaway or should I say he purposely runaway from home, an Accountant of his own, jobless, no friends, new guy in town and being friendly but can't get enough friends. I never asked him these but he just thoughtfully give me the details with benefit of the doubt if he can trust me. He maybe, just maybe figured out he can trust me.

During the third week celebration of our friendship, he told me he runaway home because he found out that he has cancer and he don't want his family to know about his condition nor he doesn't want somebody else's to know because he's so afraid of giving him pity. And of course her girlfriend doesn't have any clue what he's going through, said he left his girlfriend without any word. Not a word at all. And for the record that was the worst thing i heard from him. The only one who knows about this is his sister. His sister who helped him run from home because she believe in her brother's course of preventing pain from his family. I totally disagree but I did shut my mouth. All the while Landoy was telling me his story while i wasn't actually asking for it but i just listened, and since im not good in i-confessed-you-give-me-an-advice sort of drama, i never talked. That was the last day of his really heavy-heart-I'm-so-honest conversion with me because i settled down to another boarding house. For the moment i was preoccupied with a lot of new things, new friends and everything new, so without any intension i seem to forgot about Landoy.

To admit my mistake, i was really thinking that Landoy was just making up stories. I thought that was his idea of a conversion. I was wrong. Just this morning while i was checking my emails to start a day for another battle of work, my inbox says i have new friendster message form XXX (not her real name of course). so i went to check my friendster account and there was indeed a new message from Ms. XXX the letter reads....

hi, i know you don't know me and thank you that you allowed anyone to send you a message here in friendster. my name is -------------, I'm Rolando XXX's sister. He told me to find you before he died. don't worry he is not your fan so might as well forget the idea that he might appear in you dreams tonight, my brother wouldn't do that for sure. if you wonder how i found you, he told me he asked you for your name, your nickname and your family name and god bless you you give your real names to him and rest his soul he did remember it before he died. anyway just want to say thank you for listening to my brother while i wasn't there around for him. thank you for making him realized how it feels to be left without any word. my brother told me you didn't happen to say goodbye to him before you left the place he once knew you. he said you were his only friend in that place. After you left without saying goodbye he realized how painful it is to be left just like that so he decided to go home. it was hard for him but it was really a very good decision. thank you for making him realized that though without you notified, now you know. thank you for doing that to him. thank you for just being there for him in a while. God Bless you.

That was it! After all Landoy wasn't actually making up stories, he was indeed sick. It is sad to be left alone but sometimes it is in silence that you will hear yourself talking. And sometimes it feels a lot better to be alone without anyone interfering your mind. You can be at your best in times of solitude. Sometimes, just sometimes.

Soar high Landoy, Fly!!!

blogvertise?

2007-10-30T11:24:00.000+08:00

blog hopping is one of my addiction right at this very moments since im not so loaded with work (i've done all my projects earlier than expected, *claps*). hopping here and there i bumped into one of just another blog featuring blogvertise, said it is something like you can earn money in your own blog... i thought the idea was superb so i might as well try, who knows...

now im trying to write something about blogvertise but with all honesty i still dont really know how this thing works... so i am just waiting for my approval and maybe by that time i can write a lot better about blogvertise...

undone

2007-10-30T09:06:00.001+08:00

It was friday, december 15, 2006. I woke up in the midst of my most wet dreaming experience, unsatisfied it wasn't real. The house, half empty was blazing with darkness, so i let some light over-power darkness. As soon as the switch was on, there was a vast of illumination and for a moment i was blinded by the sudden blast of white lights. I twisted my head a little right to have a good shut at the clock. The clock in its own right was ticking a quarter down six in the afternon.

I went straight to the living room; I can sense that my cousin was there somewhere hours before i woke up. So much for my senses, my guess was right; My cousin was indeed reading his Anne Rice's The Chronicles of the Vampires. His butt was still formed at the sofa, The book half open. I was beginning to starve so i needed to help myself out for something. I went straight at the dining room, a message was neatly place on top of the dining table. It reads...

"gaw, i need to rush somewhere. ill give you all the details as soon as i get back. we got a lot of foods here, help yourself. just that"

Then he signed the letter the way he signed all other letters with his name, smiley and a tweety on it. I bit my lips for a while "must be busy for some kinda detective maneuvers, eh?" I thought.

After I satisfied my starvation, I threw away the leftovers and settled the dishes down the sink.

There were some shouting outside the house. Some scared. Some panics. Something i cannot understand.

"what's all these noise about" I thought.

So i went to the window to have a look outside, as i open the window, my mouth dropped open, for a while i was amazed, then it drawn unto me, the image came crashing in to my mind indicating a great danger coming. I was shocked. And that was when i stopped writing...

hehehe... just that!!! done!!!

de javu!!!

2007-10-20T10:01:00.001+08:00

once again, I'm bored. for how many times i prayed "Lord don't let this boredom over-power my being." when i write something it indicates one thing, I'm bored! yes i am and I'm having a hard time coping with this kind of life. the worst is, there is traffic going on somewhere in my heart. I've been driving my way all throughout and yet i ended up sitting on the traffic lights.

it happened before and history repeats itself, although at all different level now. traffic, congestion, conflict... not equally the same and yet at some point they got the same weight. here's the catch! once in my life, out of confusion and desperation, i became a pointless satanist. i blamed God for the utterly forsaken moments. i prayed hard, really hard, that is. but still He hadn't answered my prayers. so it came to a point that i gave up on Him and challenge one powerful being (so i thought out of my wishful thinking) could help me out of my sentiments. i found nothing, except of course the complete opposite of God, i found Satan. believe me and shame on me yet i become one satanist. i thought maybe God have so much to attend to, much worthy than me, maybe I'm falling out of the line. that is why i thought i need to find someone else. someone who, without any client to listen to, someone who will served me right and treat me as his master. so there was it, Satan became my god. he owns my soul for a couple of moments. until i realized that I'm being a complete fool. so i drop Satan out of my life and tried to find God once more. i search for Him at the church but i hadn't find Him there. i search for Him at the crucifix, still He's not there. i search for Him at the rivers, clouds, skies, trees and everywhere else, but i hadn't find Him there. i was tired of looking for God. i realized that i have one place i haven't yet searched, i search for Him at my heart. He was there waiting.

today I'm confused. why in the hell didn't God punished the wicked and the criminals? why did He take away the life of the righteous ones so early? why God? why? why in my most happiest moments You give me trials? why in all people, God, You chose me to suffer?

God, whatever is your name, please love me, will you?

hey ! HeY !

2007-10-15T16:16:00.001+08:00

hello world!!! it's been so long and nothing has changed, maybe there were few but barely noticed. or maybe I'm just a little freak to see what's going on with me, or maybe I'm just plain and simple stupid playing numb and indifferent. whatever and whichever, that is my discretion. this will come short since the idea of writing something sensible is way far out of my already-loaded-messed-up-freaky head.

love! whew! i give up! SURRENDER!

during those roller-coaster-tumbling-rolling-bang-bang twist of my god-forsaken uttered life, my girl was a little annoying. trying to stay calm and focus will be a disaster if you'll hear these god-forgive-me-i-want-to-kill-her-but-i-love-her words like "baby i need you to take me out for a date today!" "baby what is wrong with you?" "do you still care for me?" "do you love me?" "why are you so distant?"

to be really honest, I'd like to take my girl out for a date every night to tell her what's inside my mind, to let her know that it was she that is keeping me sane. to be just being there with her is a total relief. but i want to do it without the influence of her disgusting " take me out for a date today" drama anthology, for God sake!

disgust me every time I'm demanded with my time, i feel deprived of my own right to do what i want to do with my life. and so i finally decide to call it quits!!! we separated our ways, said goodbye, i will miss you, i hope by the time I'm awaken with all this you will still be the angel who'll snap me awake.

there! I'm single and available.

for all the happy moments... for the twist and turn... for the love and tears... for the girl i loved the most but have to say goodbye... and every word i didn't say because i was caught up in some busy day, every dance on the kitchen floor we haven't had before and every sunset that we've missed I'll wrap them all up in a kiss...

she was my girl... i missed her so much....

the dignified virgin and me...

2007-08-29T13:36:00.001+08:00

i was on my pajamas and ready to take off for another journey to dream land when my phone beeped

"hi baby, I'm thinking of you all this time, hehehe, just cant take you out of my mind, can we meet 2m?"

"how i luv to, 2m 6pm... where'd you like to go?"

"i don't like to roam around, just want to stay close to you, watch a movie maybe, while laying next to you"

"whew!!! that's fantastic, but we cant do that at the movie house, you know what i mean, laying"

"exactly! you have DVD right? movie marathon in your room.. how's that"

"perfect! can't wait to see you"

"gudnyt"

"be safe"

i woke up the following day earlier than usual. cleaned my room and of course prepared a DVD, everything love story. 5:30pm - ordered pizza for delivery. thought that was romantic. it was. my girl arrived 10 minutes late but that was OK, blame it all to traffic. after two rounds of love stories and a mouthful of pizza, she got tired and fell asleep around my arms. while she's deep in sleep i was praying she wouldn't snore, please God. prayers was answered, she didn't snore. nice girl. we've been around for almost 2 years now, slept in my room for more than a couple of times together until the break of dawn. but i never got a chance to make love with her. chances are of course out of the questions, i will always have, but i just didn't. she's still a virgin and i don't want to break that thing until she found the right man who will stay with her for the rest of her loving life. i always wish i am that man though. in my own point of view, virginity doesn't really matter in a relationship. i admit that i am not a virgin, not anymore. to be fair, it doesn't matter if the girl is a virgin or not, i don't have any right to deal with her past. live the present and think of the future. any girl for as long as i love her and she will stay in love and faithful with me will be more than perfect. love more than respect pushed me to think of her this way. i don't want her with regrets when time comes that our roads wouldn't be the same. she's very lovely, beautiful, attractive, sweet and she's all that. her hair smell like strawberry while she slept around my arms. her body touched mine and it sent me shivers down to my veins. i cant resist the sensation she's unconsciously sending me. my heat-seeking-moisture-missile turned into steel the moment i imagine her naked. she moved a little left and i was brought back to my room.

"what are doing?" she asked.

"doing what?"

"that thing" she did a little twist of her body so i can feel her into my custard launcher.

"ahhh, baby i just cant, you know, stop my mind from wondering, i cant help it. I'm sorry, does that bother you so much?"

"yes" she motioned forward, away from me then sat at my bed. she gave her cutest smile stood up and said "baby i didn't ask you not to do what you're thinking, but it moved me. i love the way you loved. i love you, everything about you. i want you to love me too, everything about me." she stroke her hair back so that the vast illumination coming from my lamp hit her face. God she's beautiful, i thought. then a matter of seconds she's stood right in front of me, naked... Ah how much i loved it. she's thin but well developed. i was stunned almost shock. then she crawled next to me and started kissing me. my neck, behind my ears. it was so sweat i felt heaven. "baby, don't hurt me OK, lets do it smooth and easy. you promise?" she said.

"hey!"

"uhmmm"

"it's seven, can you turn that thing off?"

"what thing"

"you're alarm clock, for God sake." my roommate. "get up dude. you're planning not going to office, are you?"

i stood up, took a bath, got dress and thought "today 6pm minus the pizza"

it just wouldn't stop!!!

2007-08-24T15:24:00.000+08:00

God must be joking when he created the world

or should i say He never really intended to launch a joke on us

but everything happens for a reason or two

that's a cliché of course.

when i was born 25 years back,

my parents celebrated the beauty of their own creation.

the time i grew up a little older

i realized that life is somehow a mistake.

i grew up much, then i realized that in this world nothing is free

i need to get up early and get my butt to school,

I did all that for me to see a brighter future.

seventeen months minus six days passed, i graduated as an Electronics and Communications Engineer, passed my board exam and got my license nine months minus nineteen days from now.

it was funny how i landed a job much earlier more than i expected.

i thank God for that blessing since that was one of my uttered prayers.

somehow at the first two weeks in my job

i got suddenly tired

i wanted to quit

i realized i don't like bosses around my neck

i was even ready to submit my resignation letter

on the second thought i drop the idea of leaving my job

i realized some of my colleagues are still at the verge of finding a job

lucky for me, i thought.

after this, what would life be?

would i still find another job?

will i be happy with all these that I'm doing?

what is there for me waiting?

life indeed is a mystery

life for sure is a mess for some

life maybe is a big joke, and it just wouldn't stop playing around

joy beyond every pain

2007-08-18T21:22:00.000+08:00

it's been a couple of weeks since my last post. i went thru a lot of pains and unimaginable sufferings in the past few weeks. i suffered an undiagnosed fever for five straight days. my body was at its intense heat and extremely cold at the same time. and the worst of all things there is, my scrotum was badly hurt. ouch! i wasn't able to file a sick leave that's why no doubt i was desperately declared AWOL, and I'm so sure by Monday I'll be facing death row for disciplinary actions, the best... but like everything goes, it's not always as bad as it is. i have learned to see the bright side of what's happened. while im laying my butt down the bed since i cant move an inch courtesy of my scrotum tantrums my boardmates were my loving buddies. i saw in them the sense of a real brothers. they're checking on me constantly, bought my medicines, suck a drop of my blood for blood test. of course they cook for me. when the sun's down and there is nothing left to do, we sat at my bed and have some good mood for movie marathon and an endless pancit canton. it was indeed a whole week of suffering, possible hysteria i might say and that was the best experience in my life. the best so far. mao lang to...

waking up on the wrong side of everything

2007-07-31T15:54:00.000+08:00

it's a crap when you're awaken by some non-sense at 5 in the morning, the most unholy hour of the day.
forcing myself back to sleep is just not my type of game.
or should i say i ain't got a lot of talent for that.
by then i will have to suffer for a bad mood all day long.
the fuck of all things is that i hate to see my boss faces and that makes everything a little like hell.
by the time i arrived at the office, Satan's side-kicks are all yelling just right beside me.
is there another way to heaven shorter than this?
or even a complete detour to hell, i might as well consider taking it.
life is getting a little too complicated.
with all this insecurities and an added mutual feelings of hatred and sour grapping,
one might consider the possibility of throwing oneself into a 110th storey building (aint got a chance, world trade center has long been forgotten and aint got much money to pay a trip to Manhattan).
for all hell there is,
why in the fucking world should one have to suffer for everything and anything that's not one's fault?
we are indeed a bunch of funny people living in a seriously funny world!!!
that makes a whole lot of sense, goddammi!!!.
this is one of those days i hate the most.
i wanted to just live my life, do what is right,
help those who needs my help,
make people laugh until they cry,
share my thoughts,my mind and my heart.
no holds-back.
nothing.
but things aren't perfect,
there are really times where we need to experience being fucked up.
we just cant deny that we really have to deal with some nasty evil fucking dogs.
how stupid could the world be when all the while i just wanted to work and live,
to just enjoy the beauty of creations?
i wont be productive if all the coming days of my life will be the same day i have today.
it feels so bad thinking that i have been wasting a lot of time worrying how will i able to plot something and then realized somehow in the end that what im doing was my usual routine.
my head's hanging,
i cant think a lot better.
i feel so tried.
the day is so idle.
i feel like dying...
JUST BECAUSE I WOKE UP THIS MORNING IN THE WRONG SIDE OF EVERYTHING!!!! im going home when the clock ticks at five, have some rest and refresh everything that has been damage..
maybe i'll just have to take some cold shower and i'll be as good as new..
i deserve some thing good, i guess...

the butterfly effect

2007-07-28T15:47:00.000+08:00

have you had any experiences losing a couple of memories? forgetting something for the rest of your uttered life? trying to figure out what happened? it's a pain in the ass when you're trying

to remember something and that you can't even take a glimpse out of it. this is the butterfly effect, i supposed.

it was Sunday, the only rest day of my damned life. after a week of endless projects, designs, debates, meetings and boss-yelling-at-your-face days and still underpaid (God bless me), i decided to go home at my dear province, BUKIDNON. the place is as usual peaceful, green and clean. fireflies are still present at night.

i decided to take a walk and enjoy the beauty of creation when i bumped into a GUABANO tree. looking at the tree i spotted a big ripe fruit. so there, the last thing i remember was i really wanted to climb up the tree and get that fruit... when i woke up, i was laying at my bed butt naked, my head was aching badly, i got blood on my nose, bruises were all over my body, my legs were at their worst shape. i struggled to take a walk outside my room to find out what has happened but nobody's there. not a soul. i was alone and in pain. after a while when my parents were home i asked them what happened but they didn't know a thing.

so I'm left with a lot of questions... where did i got all those bruises? what really happen? did i climbed that tree? did i fell? who took me inside my room?

the butterfly effect indeed...

girls greatest secret unveiled

2007-07-27T15:24:00.000+08:00

Girls can be very complicated; they will try to trick you with loaded questions, give you guilt trips, and try to control your life. I can speak for all guys when saying; girls care one of the most dangerous things in this world, they may seem nice and sweet, but they come straight from the devil. They are manipulative, unpredictable and downright insane.

Here are some weapons to combat their evil…

If your girl asks you which is more important, mind or body, you are trapped, either do not answer, or come up with something clean witty like “I think that brains are just important as looks, that’s why I’m with you.’

If your girl asks what part of her body is the sexiest, you are trapped, the question is loaded. If you say one part, she’ll question “what is wrong with the other ones?” the perfect answer is “every part of you is sexy, why make me choose, I love you”

If girls say that it is ok that you go out with friends, do not go out with them. This is a way for girls to make us look like assholes.

Never talk about your girlfriend’s back she will find out.

Never talk about your ex-girlfriend around your current girlfriend.

Never compare your ex-girlfriend and your girlfriend.

Do not let her drink at parties; she will make a fool out of herself. Beer and girlfriends do not mix.

If you want to go out with your friends, make sure you make the plans three weeks ahead of time.

The day after you go out with your friends, make sure that you have a legitimate story to back yourself up with.

If your girl ever asks you “if you could change one thing about me, what would it be?” the answer is always “nothing sweetheart, you’re perfect.”

If your girl asks you “do I look fat in this outfit?” the answer is always, “no, you look great” or “you have got to be kidding me, you look absolutely stunning.’

If your girl asks you over for dinner with her parents, always say yes, and try to look excited.

No matter how many fights you get in, or what the fights is about, always apologize, it is always your fault. I repeat, IT IS ALWAYS YOUR FAULT!!!

If you ever cheat on your girl and she asks you if you cheated, YOU MUST LIE!!!

If she asks you any question and tells you to answers honestly, and you know the truth will hurt, YOU MUST LIE!!!

If your girl catches you in a lie, and you know you’re caught. Do not get defensive; you’re busted, just come clean.

When you buy her flowers never buy a dozen, always buy half or only one, its sweet and it’s cheaper, and it doesn’t make you look desperate.

On your first date, do not try to act like bad ass, you will just end up making a jerk of yourself.

Girls love cologne.

Wash your hair.

Never make fun of their music no matter how much it sucks.

If you are having an argument with her and you are 100‰ positive you are right, just give up, you are wasting your breath, let her win because you never will. YOU ARE WRONG NO MATTER WHAT!!!

Never go out with your ex-girlfriend’s friends, this is one of the biggest mistakes a guy can make.

If she asks you if you masturbate, always say no!

Never tell her friends something in confidence, she will find out.

If she asks you if you ever watch porn movies, the answer is always, “I don’t need to when I have beside you, besides that stuff is gross” or "yeah right, I haven’t watched that crap since high school”

If she is in bad mood never assume she is in her period. Assumption is the mother of all fuckers.

There you have it, everything you need to know about girls…. This text is meant for joke and is written in a lighthearted manner, if you are offended, lighten up!!

some goddamn

2007-07-27T15:11:00.000+08:00

i don't know how this thing works or does anyone really care to waste a time and read this stuff in here? the point is, I'm here for some goddamn not-so-good reasons.. first of all, i tried (again) to pass an article for the youngblood column in PDI, the worse thing is that this is my fourth time trying to impress those salababits in PDI handling the column.. the worst is that I'm almost done encoding my tried-hard article, but the helluva fate i got, men, the computer, in its own demon, shut down! thank you very much.. i didn't encode it all over again, i smiled and said to myself "relax, its OK!".. but hey! do you (I'm pretending I'm talking to somebody) really know why I'm trying my best making an article? its my frustration to own a brand new cellular phone.. oh yeah, materialistic if you may say so.. i don't give a damn anyway.. the very first time i wrote an article for the said column, it was still that cellphone thing that motivated me.. here's the catch, my first article was actually accepted yet edited for a reason i dont want to know, said it was for ethics and clarity.. my pride ( you know) pushed me to decline the publicity of my work, thinking my work's the best why in hell would they care to edit and change some words there, plus i have my own ethics.. and so i thought!!! the offer to publish my work got a deal of 10000 pesos.. i declined though!! my pride it is..

i got my guts back, i wrote other one, this time edited or not, publish it! and give me my 10000 pesos! i need a DVD player and a new phone!

hallelujah!!! once again i impressed those people in PDI, my work was accepted.. the problem was, i need to reply within a week to confirm that i have viewed the edited version of my own article and accept their terms and condition.. problem once more, i checked my email a couple days late!! too late for my 10000 pesos that is!

got my guts again, wrote the third article.. it was denied, said some prohibited contents were found on my article.. STUPID!!!!

now here i am!!! flunk again..

suggestion, anyone?