fly to the moon and back

THE PAST…

If you dreamed of something and pursued to make it happen but eventually you failed, and you woke up, and then slept again and then dreamed of another dream, made a move to make it happen again and you woke up like a big joke was thrown out from somewhere you don’t really know but you know exactly that for the nth time you dreamed, you flunked the nth time as much as you dreamed the nth time, would you still have the courage to sleep and dream again? Or would you give up sleeping and rather find what’s “dream phobia” termed?

When will you stop believing?


TODAY

I am happy today. My routine is to steal a nap every noon break, it always comes after the bell gives me a go signal. Today I was not so successful doing that. I was about to trip into unconsciousness when my phone jerked to life from my trouser pocket; vibrations sent a tickle to my groins.

“unsa nay ayu dha?” (anything good?)

“wlay ayu dri” (nothing's good) was the only reply I can give closest to reality.

“aw. Kanus-a ka kutob dha man?” (oh. 'til when will you staying there?)

Ah that was easy. Told him I’ll be until November, no contracts.

“kada adlaw ky mag labad ulo dri bai. Ang pnka una nga task ky ipa hmo ug calculator nga exakly d same sa windows calculator. Krn ang dedlyn” (headache is a serious routine here. our first task is to make a calculator exactly the same as the windows' calculator. today is the deadline)

WOW! That’s my good friend, and that’s his dream, to be a programmer. His dream has come true, if not absolutely, at least it’s coming to reality. That’s how I figured it out. Good for him, he deserves a life like that. I am honestly happy to hear from him today. I did not expect though that he’ll strike me with a much puzzling-very-simple question. “ikaw unsa man imong drem?” (well, how 'bout you, what's your dream?) Naks!!! I hesitated for a couple of minutes, took me a little while starring blankly at the ceiling thinking “unsa bitaw tuod akong dream?” (yeah, what's my dream anyway?) And out of nowhere I replied “fly to the moon and back”

The problem is, I don’t know what I wanted with my life. I was never serious with all the things that were given to me. I played around too much that I have forgotten to reflect about having a dream and working out to make them come true. Least, I can’t remember the last time I had a dream.

What‘s it like to have a dream?

Who’d tell you that it’s a dream you’re dreaming?

And how does it feel you’re living the dream you’d been dreaming?

If dreams are meant to come true, what is destiny then?

Are dreams only meant for dreamers who are destined to have their dreams come true?

I don’t know, really! I struggle to think of my dreams but they were all gone. Swift along with the wind and now I don’t have any idea if I still have the guts to dream and fail again. I’ve been to a series of meandering experiences, all for nothing, meandering just like that.

TONIGHT

Someone told me not to give up on everything, no matter how hard it is. Said that blessings are given to those who believe. It is a cliché that the greatest glory in life is not in never falling; it is in standing every time you fall. Yeah sure, I got that loud and clear. But how frequent is every time and when will it stop? They said that failure is not a defeat unless you stop trying. But what if you lost every inch of self-esteem you’ve got? What if it’s your mind and heart that have given up already? What if your prayers can’t be heard? Would you still have the reason to believe?

My faith is crashing in front of my face. I want to fight and tell the world that I’m still that kid who dreamed that someday I would fly to the moon, and by the time I’m back, a hero’s welcome is waiting for me to celebrate. But how will I ever do that if I was not given the opportunity to fight, if there were no battles to fight for and if fighting is all but pointless?

I have only a pint of hope left. And tonight I'm taking the the act where most people simply refuse to take the chance. Tonight, all I need is to dream and fill that piece of hope.

Tonight… I will dream!

love letter for nobody

last night i dreamt about you
you looked at me and you gave me the most beautiful smile you ever had.
it felt heaven when you kiss me and told me that you'll love me forever.

i woke up today thinking about you.

how long has it been for you?
for me its been quite a couple of months.
i'm not a believer of love at first sight, but you prove me wrong.
i fell in love with you the very first time i laid an eye on you.
how did you do it?
was it your eyes?
your smile?
or maybe your pretty face.

did i ever tell you how beautiful you are?
do you dream of me too?

i know how hurt you were when i told you i wont die for you
believe me it's true
coz i always wanted to stay alive for you.

though i will always be there to love you and take care of you
but i cant promise that i will always have the wisdom to understand you
no matter what, i will stand right before you with firm conviction.

it scares me every time i think of you
it scares me more when i try to close my eyes
it drives me insane when the world is at its darkest
coz i know your coming close

why are you there when everything else is gone?
why would you chose to talk to me when im in coma?
from which dimension are you from?
are you an angel?
an immortal sent down from heaven to teach us mortals what beauty really is?

even with all this crazy stuff i have in mind
i still would like to see you
and even if you're just a dream
it makes me complete to know that i will always wake up with you.

where am i?

suddenly i woke up one morning and realized i missed blogging. i missed my life and i missed everything that i'm doing. i missed my grammatically-wronged blogs, i missed the freedom of writing. i missed my self-proclaimed impeccable logic harhar!!!...

so here... I'M BACK BLOGGING!!!

i confess, im confused ! ! !

It's been almost a year since the last time I was home. I miss home home so much; I did not quite admit to myself or anyone else that I was getting homesick periodically, but the truth is I am crying silently inside every time my mama's face floats through my ind.

In retrospect, it wasn't a very smart choice to live an island away from home, considering that I still have my "I-need-to-be-taken-care-of" attitude. But somehow I have managed to live with and even to enjoy the solitude. I have pretended so much for so long, that i guess I have mastered my performance. By pretending to be just fine when I'm not, saying "yes" when I mean "no", and saying "it's okay" even if it hurts, I've become an expert in these matters.

Now I'm away from home again and there's no sense pretending, I really missed home, above all, I miss mama so much. I remember that day, December 24 when I reached home straight for the groggy ten-hour ferry trip back home. I hug my mom as tight as I could give without hurting her. She lost too much weight, I figured. She hugged me back and smiled. I asked her even though I know her answer would hurt me "ma, kaila pa kas ako?" She smiled, and then nodded. I tried my luck even more, hoping I could hear my name on her lips "uhmmm kinsa man ko?" Again she gave me a smile then murmured "ahmm ikaw si kuan, si kuan, hehehe, kinsa gani ni ha, si kuan bah, hehehe." i drop a pint of tears upon hearing that. I just said " I missed you mom" then proceeded to my room to change. I can't control my emotion so i let go of a full-blast cry. Papa was there and noticed i was crying really hard so he approached me then said "son, I know that hurts, but what can we do, she's sick."

"how bad is she pa?"

"quite bad, she forgot everything, she even couldn't get to complete a single sentence. She can't say any names of anything and everything at that. I figured she even forgot her name" Papa confessed.

He noticed I twist my face and tears flowed out of my already wet eyes. He hugged me tight and said " son, you're here for Christmas, let's stick to it that way. We'll make it through, it's OK"

I was not OK! There is nothing OK with all that. My mom who carried me nine months in her womb, took care of me for almost 24 years of my existence, and just a single tumor hit her brain she forgot about me, my name, everything about me! That hurts a lot! And there is no greater pain than seeing her suffer the pain she feels every time the tumor reacted inside her head. And that's on hell of a good reason to cry. Life is judt so unfair. It is and it will never be fair.

I received a call from Papa today to say Hi and said Mom is suffering yet again the pain in her head and that he's afraid he might get her to the hospital. I was caught red-handed with that. After the call, I said a prayer and then stopped.

I wonder how could all these be happening?

Is this someone so powerful who created us enjoying watching all this?

If He is by nature benevolent why does he won't make a way to make my mom feel better?

What's He up to?

Where is he talking me, my mom and my whole family?

Where and when will this end?

Can He even hear me?

Is this another trial?

What for?

Why would you have to suffer to learn?

And what will I learn with all this?

I don't know...

I tried to search for Him in the crucifix but he wasn't there. I tried to look for him in the churc, the temples and the mosques but he wasn't any where near the sanctuary. I explored the books and the bible but he was beyond the understanding and philosophy of the aristocrat. I scrutinized the beauty of creation, trees, birds, rivers and sea but he didn't leave a trace of him there. I want to talk to Him. Where else can i find him> Have I forgotten to search inside my heart? I hope I didn't.

bLooDshot!!!

for the past few weeks i haven't replied to texts and emails, i did not return the calls or whatever there is to return. i was and still running in the state of the most corniest drama of all time "im busy with my job" na na na!!! for all my friends, classmates, girlfriends, buddies, you know who you are, sorry im just having a bloodshot near my head right at this point... thank you for visiting my site... ill catch up on all of you when i got the best of time to do it... please bear with me on my drama...

the unfair reality !!!

It’s been four days now since I took my exam in just another company here in Cebu. The best thing is I got a perfect score in their exam, I repeat, I got a perfect score!!! I admit the exam was just another English proficiency test, the kind of exam everybody is so familiar with. We were around more than twice a dozen who took the exam and only 7 of us or eight (I wasn't really counting that time) who passed that no-sweet-intellectually-insulting-exam or so I thought. The exam wasn't that easy after all, assuming that only 7 or 8 just passed that exam out of more than twice a dozen individuals. Easy may not be quite appropriate to describe that exam, but then again I got the perfect score. I finished the exam in just a short period of time, less than 10 minutes, that's fast enough for a 60 item test and considering there was actually reading comprehension, the part I hated the most. It was a computer generated exam where you can see your score right after the test. I called the exam attendant and told her I'm done, so she hurriedly click the evaluate button. The page took no less than a thrill to load for the exam result, and kaboom!!!! the exam-attendant's eyes almost literally popped-out and eventually dropped her jaw, then blurted out "whattt?" and then another "my God!!!" then a "is this even real?" after that seemingly unending half-shout-can't-believe expressions, she managed to looked down on me, since I'm seated and she's standing I looked back on her and given her a sweet victorious smile. She managed to jot down my scores and congratulated me for a job well done then told me to wait outside for the initial interview. Indeed I waited outside for my interview for one hour and some couple of minutes almost bored. Then my name was called and handed out my resume and my test result to the guy whose name sounded like Deo, i guess Leo or maybe Reo, I don't know. Then again I received the same reaction like the one the exam-attendant has given me earlier that day. After some traces of shock and a couple is-this-for-real look in his face he managed to let some voice out of his mouth. The first question he ever asked was "were you bored while waiting for your interview?" I said "no sir, waiting is doing something; getting bored is doing nothing at all." I gave myself 50 points for that (maybe he cursed his self for asking that). He asked me without looking at my resume if I finished college which I thought very silly to ask for that moment. I said yes and told him I'm already an engineer. That was the time he drop my test result at the table which is the only thing that separated us then studied my resume for the first time. It took him almost five minutes to do that then finally broke the silence he created with a phrase "tell me something about yourself". My answers were very well rehearsed, no falters whatsoever. Then another minute of silent, then another round of questions and another silence in between questions. It was so obvious that I took him aback the time I handed him my test result. He asked me how the exam was, I told him it was fair, he then followed-up with you perfected the exam, was that easy? i said no sir, the exam was just fair not so easy not so hard, it was just fair, I was presented with four choices each questions, all I needed to do is to pick the right answer, fortunately I picked all the right answers. He nodded to agree. He ended my interview just like that and told me he'll send me and email about the feedback of my interview eleven o'clock the following day but I didn't received any email feedback. And now I'm still waiting for the feedback.

I assumed I did not pass my interview or he just purposely didn't want me to proceed to the final interview because he was too scared of me or maybe I intimidated him with the test result. It wasn't my intention. He didn't give me a fair interview after all. It wasn't an interview for God sake, it was just a conversation strangers usually throw to each other just to start a conversion. I may never have that job but I did my best, everything that I can, but none of that mattered anymore.

This is such a big world. Every time the sun's going down here, it's going up somewhere else. There is always something happening somewhere, and maybe what is happening here is not mine. I might fail a couple more job opportunities here but I know I have more good things waiting for me somewhere else's. Giving up may not be my choice but getting tired is not something that I can control. I admit I'm already tired, and I'm already losing every inch of hope I have. Right now I don't know exactly if I could hold on to this a little longer.

One time an interviewer asked me "you're too thin and small for this job, you're only a kid, do you think you can do this?" I gave him a look and told him "sir, with all due respect, have you heard the story of a young man named David and how he killed the giant? Whatever you are and whatever you do if you believe in yourself and have faith, I think you can face and defeat the giant." I created a silence with that, then he said thank you for my time. I went out of his office, head's up and contented.

Now I don't know what else will come my way, what questions will I have to answer, sarcastically or seriously? I know I can't please everyone, but I know that there is somebody out there who will like the way I think and the way I speak.

Who says that LIFE is fair? It is not, life is not about being FAIR. It is about SURPASSING the unfair reality...

the price of dreaming!!!

this is my third week stay in Cebu and so far I wasn't able to beat what was supposed to be my deadline to land a decent job here. Now i'm so afraid what will come my way. i dont want to stay a lot longer here than one month without a job and definitely doing nothing. im losing all my hopes. i have been to a series of interviews and exams. the exams were good but i can't figure out what i've done or said wrong during my interviews.

i just cant get a job!!! i have done the best that i can. i have said the most honest thing there is to say. i have been praying a lot. is there something wrong with me? what have i done to deserve this? i dont feel secure anymore. im already ashamed of what is happening to me now. i can't think a lot better now.

i dont want to go back home like a loser. i dont know what to believe now. i dont know what is left for me here. all i know is im not giving up. not yet. and i dont know if i can still convince myself with that.

ken lee

i really find this very funny so i posted it here!!! hehehe... enjoy "ken lee"

i was killed twice this week!!!

over the past years and every waking moments of my life, only here in Cebu that i felt i was so stupid. i was rejected by two call center industries in a matter of days. i felt a lot better about myself the moment i woke up Tuesday morning to prepare for my exam and interview, that was my first attempt to land a job in a call center industry and my first in Cebu to seek for a decent job. i went there at the office of my intention half satisfied i made it there on time even without knowing which way and what cab I'll be taking. i was seated there for almost half an hour waiting for the exam to start. the girl with a very nice American accent called my name which of course caught me red-handed even with all the preparations i had. the exam went a little too easy for me. the latest count of applicants i heard was 28, but 25 of them went home earlier than they've expected after the first round of English proficiency test. only three of us were left for the 2nd and 3rd round, then i was left standing alone after the 3rd set of exam. i passed the exams all alone. yeahey!!! then i was asked to fill-up the employment form which i did politely. i waited for another half hour to face the most disappointing final interview ever. i was seated inside a small but cozy room with a gay (happens to be my interviewer for that moment) and a girl (said she's there to observe). then the disaster happened, i was really thinking that the interview would be just as ordinary as every interview I've went through. i was thinking he would asked me to tell him something about myself like the usual round of questions most companies will ask just to start a conversion but i was thinking too well that i got it really wrong. i was shocked when he asked me to tell him something about Bruce Willis. i was really stunned that i lost track of what is happening. i was quiet for about a hundred ages and hadn't recovered myself back. i opened my mouth but i wasn't able to say a thing that is quite correct. i said 'uhmm' then another 'uhmm' then said something about die hard, the tumbling, the helicopter almost on the ground but Willis was there to saved the day. I literally misidentified Willis from Superman, i couldn't construct a very decent sentence. i knew i was miserable by the time i started to open my mouth. i flunked the interview, i flunked the whole thing and Bruce Willis was the root cause of all evil i was into that day. i went home smiling but disappointed. i told myself that there are still a lot of call centers and that i don't need to know much about Willis to be able to land a job. but the story doesn't just stop there. hooooo that was one heck of a pakeng experience in my life. i mean questions like that are not actually very stupid to ask considering that I'm inside a call center premises where the HRs are probably looking for a candidate who knows how to articulate every thing that is coming out of ones mouth. it was totally my fault and my bad. and now i have a strong feeling that I've got phobia on call centers.

maybe call centers are not for me. someday soon I'll find a job that fits me most. but being killed twice in a week isn't the kind of fun i have in mind. i manage a good laugh though, and now I'm still alive, unemployed!!!

ventures to the unknown

after the heart breaking kisses, hugs and goodbyes i made it to Cebu, unemployed yet hoping to discover the height of my career in another location. Cebu is never my ambition, i love Cagayan de Oro so much that i told myself i will never leave the place. I've been living in CDO for quite a while, 10 years to be exact. I love the people there, i love everything in CDO. but life never gave me the opportunity i was looking for in CDO. i was employed in two companies for some time but it was just that, employed but not productive, productive but not what im looking for. so i decided to move to another place. now im sitting here, doing the online job hunting. no proper address and very much afraid of what life can offer me here. im totally an alien here, i dont even know what cab i'll be riding to go to what-place-is-that-again. there are plenty of companies up for grab but i dont know where they are located. i have a lot of colleages here but i miss the company of friends i have in cebu. for sure i'll be looking forward to be with them again. i'll surely miss my room in 4th street nazareth. i will miss the smiles and the giggles we have every morning i and my room mate idol woke up. i will miss the shouts and laughs with my boardmates. the nonsense talk and disscussions i have with opong, elsa, yaya, nanay, kimpoy, taas, new, ron, marlon, nick, fred, dabid and alvin will surely be missed.

the decision was final, i cannot go back and take what has been done. im here, i need to be here. i always believe that if you lose some, you gain some. i may not be with my friends in cdo but i can always have another friends here in cebu. i need to work hard and move on. this is my life now. cebu is where im at. i need to live here. im ready to face the challenges and succeed. i will fly soon.

love me when im gone!!!

There's another world inside of me
That you may never see
There're secrets in this life
That I can't hide
Somewhere in this darkness
There's a light that I can't find
Maybe it's too far away...
Or maybe I'm just blind...
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
Wants to be the one
You wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I couldI'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone
When your education X-Ray
Cannot see under my skin
I won't tell you a damn thing
That I could not tell my friends
Roaming through this darkness
I'm alive but I'm alone
Part of me is fighting this
But part of me is gone

maybe im just blind...

half dead...

right at this very moment all i have to say is that im still an idiot.
or should i say i am vulnerable of embracing the thought of some stupid temptations.
i hate myself when i need to say or act or do anything that is out of my will.
fuck it all!!!
why can't i stop this?!!!
why cant you stop it?!!!
stop tempting me!!!
stop talking to me!!!
and please stop acting as if everything is just fine because you're not stupid not to know everything is devastating me!!!
stop asking if im ok because i cant be ok!!!

dont you know that...
im bleeding?
im hurting?
im drowning?
im beginning to hate you?

it's amazing how you knock me off my feet
makes me feel uneasy
makes me darn weak and fool

you make me want for more
every time you touch me i feel bliss
you send shiver to my bones
and i love you for doing that

dont wait till i get a gun
because for sure i wont kill myself
it could be you or him or everybody

stop making me feel stupid coz i am already one
stop acting crazy coz you're not proving your worth
STOP HURTING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IM ALMOST FED UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DONT DARE TAKE THE DEVIL OUT OF ME!!!!

ilalum sa akong katre

i wrote this about 2 years ago.

story line written in my own dialect (for those who can't understand, just take another post to read)... enjoy..

Tunga-tunga sa akong pagkatulog naka mata kos kasaba sa mga tao, kung wala ko na sayop alas onse na kadto sa gabii. ni gawas ko sa akong kwarto kay akong gisusi unsa ang hinungdan sa kasaba sa gawas. nahibaw-an ko na lang dayon nga naa diay nag away nga mga kalalakihang hubog. Kung nahinumduman kog ayo ang mga panghitabo, naay mga pulis nag-aparta sa mga lalaki nga kung makasinggit murag tag-iya og pilipinas. ni balik kos akong kwarto aron magpadayon sa akong pagkatulog. andam na ako para matulog apan nadunggan ko nga naay galihok sa ilalum sa akong katre. sa akong katingala akong gisil-ip...

"nag unsa ka diha?" ako nangutana.

"pahawa diri!" tubag sa tao.

sa akong bana-bana ang tao nag edad mukabak sa kapin-kulang byente dos anyos. puti kaayo sa kahadlok ang tao sampang iyang gatabunan iyang mata.

"hoy ga-unsa ka diha og gi-unsa nimo pag sulod diri sa akong kwarto? siguro kawatan ka?" sa usab kung pagpangutana.

apan ang tao wala ni tubag ug padayon sa pagtabon sa iyang mata.

"gawas diha!" gisugo ko ang tao, hapit nako nalagot kaniya.

sa dihang pag istorya nako ni-ani, naghinay-hinay siya og gawas sa ilalum sa akong katre.

"ayaw ko hilabti" matud pa sa tao.

"nganong hilabtan ta man ka, ako gani unta ang dapat manghanyo sa imo nga dili ko hilabtan, unsa ba'y gibuhat nimo diha?"

"diri man ko nag puyo, upat na ka-adlaw" iyang tubag.

ako natingala kaayo ni-ani. gibana-bana ko nga ang tao siguro naay sakit sa ulo og kung dili naay galakag kaniya busa nitago kini ilalum sa akong katre. gipalingkod ko ang tao nga hangtud sa adtong mga orasa gikulbaan pa kaayo. gi-ignan ko ang tao nga dili mahadlok kay dili ko man siya hilabtan. mukuha unta kog tubig aron kini ihatad kaniya apan sa pag duha-duha ko wala ko na lang gibuhat. dugay-dugay pud ayha na wala ang kakulba sa tao. halata pa kini nga usahay mukurog pa siya sa dihang mutan-aw siya kanako.

"unsay pangalan nimo?" gipangutana ko siya.

"jkhan..." ang iyang tubag.

"aha ka gapuyo?"

sa ika-duha nga higayon gi-sultian ko niya nga didto kuno siya sa akong kwarto nag puyo upat na kaadlaw. wala ko na lang gisupo kay murag seryoso man siya, gihunahuna ko na lang nga wala siguro kini balay mapuy-an busa namakak na lang kini... gisultian ko siya nga dako man akong katre, ipapuyo ko na lang sa siya sa akong kwarto samtang maghunahuna siya aha gyud siya tinouray ga puyo.

didto nga higayon nagkahigalaay kami ni Jkhan. ubay -ubay pud ang panag-istoryahay namo. nahibaw-an ko nga akong panag-an bahin sa iyang edad insakto diay, nangidad sa byente dos anyos si Jhkan, lumulupyo sa Bukidnon. nilampos cya sa pag-iskwela isa na katuig ang nilabay sa tunghaan sa Xavier University, sa dihang ni gradwar siya milawig kini diretso sa sugbu aron sa iyang pag review og nipasar sa iyang board exam isip usa ka enyehero. sa tunga-tunga sa among panaglambigit nakaplagan ko nga dugay ko na man diay gisuot ang akong sinina, dili ko na man gani mahinumduman kung kanus-ang higayon last ko nag ilis basta ang namatikdan ko lamang dugay nako walay ilis. nitingdog ko aron sa pag-ilis. sa dihang pag-abri nako sa akong kabinet ako natingala pag ayo.

"kinsa man kaning mga sinina, dili man pamilyar sa ako?"

"ako kanang mga sinina naa diha" matud pa ni Jkhan.

"apan...."

"sama sa gi-ingon ko na sa imo, diri na ako nag-puyo. nangisog kog puyo diri kay wala na akoy lain makit-an nga balay puloy-anan. wala ko damha nga kining mga higayon nga kita magkita og magka-istoryahanay." sa pagstorya niya ni-ani, mikuha kini og dyaryo gikan sa drawer sa akong lamisa. gitunol niya kanako ang dyaryo. "basaha kana" mandar ni Jkhan kanako.

samtang nagbasa ako sa dyaryo...

"lawig na sa lugar nga ikaw mahilum og magmalipayon. dili ka na apil diri, dili na kini imong lugar. pahulay na" ang sulti ni Jkhan.

wala ko na dayon nahibaw-an unsay sunod nahitabo, ang last kong nabasahan sa dyaryo maoy naka esplikar asa tanan butang nga wala ko nangasabtan.

ang dyaryo nag-ingon...

"binaltiyo nga nag edad byente singko anyos nakit-an ilalum sa iyang katre, patay. hangtud sa karong mga orasa wala pa nahibaw-an sa mga otoridad ang hinungdan sa iyang pagkamatay."

mao lang to tanan. har har wala koy lingaw... dili man diay ko maayo mag sulat og short story ngee... ang ilusyon og imahinasyon nga gi-ubanan sa ambisyon is the one!!!!

today is the day!!!!

i woke up 6:00 am to prepare myself for another battle of work. i did the usuals, coffee, cigar (ehmmm) then headed straight to the comfort room for some comforting activities. when i finished deposited everything ive got from the previous day, the most discomforting thing happened. WLAY TUBIG!!! seyt!!! im more of a water than a toilet-paper-man and to my dismay there wasnt any volume of water stored at the water tank. what the pak! i cant flush the bowl (gross!) and nothing to clean my butt (sucks!). i was stuck at the CR for more than 30 minutes and it seemed eternity. added with pressure of not getting late for job was the most disappointing moments of my life. after three rounds of our-father-hail-mary-glory-be, the mighty water came back...

AT LAST ! ! !

and i was 10 minutes late for job with the raging 2 peso salary deduction per minute late, woooh thank you very much...

happy birthday mama!!!

today is my mom's birthday!!! after the life and death situation she's gone she manage to wake up and told san pedro she wanted to live a lot more longer!!! my mom is a total survivor!!!

happy birthday mama!!! i love you sooooooo much!!! thank you for the wonderful life you have given me... i love you once again!!!

Unsolicited Mail ! ! !

i received an email from a friend with this original context...

hi royce,

hoy mustah? i heard engineer naka? wow! royce congrats jud ai! i knew it then when we were still in highscholl that you'll be an engineer! wow!

let me see how good you are!!!

1. When radium (atomic number 88) emits an alpha particle, the
resulting nucleus has atomic number.?

2. what device is used for separating sound of different frequencies?



3. what is the original equation of the accelaration due to gravity where g = 9.806 m/s^2 was derived?

hehehe... i'll be glad to hear from you soon!!!

regards from NJ,

@@@@@@@


i read the mail atleast one hundred seventeen times before i got back to my senses, then said to myself "the son of the wealthy bitch!"

for the moment i felt like an equiblibrist ready to fall, blood rushed to my face. i felt so weak, im having an abnormally high acidity of my blood and on my body fluids, meds called it acidosis. and of course not to mention, HIGHBLOOD!.

my initial reaction was to ask my cybermates (classmates sa internet cafe) "kinsay isog sa inyo?" then a big fuck you alongside with the dirty finger gesture directed straight towards the monitor. i wanted very much to kill someone right at that very moment! suddenly i understood how people could kill in the moment of rage and plead tempory insanity. i blurted out loud "nag HEHEHE pang animal!"

i stood up, went to the cafe attendant and politely asked for a pen and a scratch paper. the very honorable attendant gave me a blue pen and a newspaper which at the moment leave me with a questioning mind "where the hell will i suppose to write my solutions here?" anyway i took the newspaper and headed back to my working place.

20 minutes passed, i solved number 1, yehey! then there came the cafe attendant yelling "station 8, time na!"

"open time man ko" i yelled back.

"aw" was the urgent and only response.

i proceeded with number 2. hahaha. slap your face! google did the job.

number 3 was the headache of all the carabaos in the face of the planet. google didn't make sense. google was outdated. google was downright useless. so i tried mr. jeeves. no matches found. i entered every possible key words and still no useful matches. i typed all the words in question #3. no good.

i felt like i had hang-over from a night's party. i didn't find the answers. i used my other life line, ask the audience. my audience at that moment was a young boy, probably 8 years old. a slippery, slimy substance secreted by mucous glands covering and lubricating the inner surfaces of his respiratory, alimentary and gentourinary tracts were coming back and forth of his nose (my gas). i looked at him, he looked at me (very attentive) then he flashed a smile showcasing his teeth which i figured was not been touched by the blessing of a brushes ages ago before the dinosaurs were born! out of those annoying facts plus the thought that he couldnt helped me figure out the answers, i shouted at his face almost devoured his entire soul "hawa diri, boysitttt!" he ran outside as fast as he could like he was on a marathon race trying to win a gold medal in the olympics. cybermates were literally laughing.

i used my last life line, call a friend. text for this matter. i typed question #3 and sent them to furog, vyll, coconuts, popax, beshpren, gati, nixau, alta, aling, elsa, opong, genesis, diane, bianca. amee, idol, jashmin, katleen, marksan, tingcoy and chikm8.

ambot! na boang ka? oy musta na? was among the top three responses! no good!

i squezzed every cell membranes i got including those on my scrotums, the mighty muscular sac containing my testicles. gladly, i jumped twice, pakpak ka tulo and one victorious tumbling all for one reason, i am genuis! somewhere in my research activity i landed with a key words gravitational constant, it gives me a value of 6.670 x 10 -11 newton - m^2 / kg^2, so i played around the equation g = gravitatinal constant x mass of the earth / radius of the earth^2... tadahhhh.... i got it...

so i drafted my reply...

yo! musta? ok lang ko og kalouy sa diyos ulahi naka sa balita, almost 2 years nako engineer. anyway here is how good i am...
1. 86
2. acoustic wave filter
3. g = gravitatinal constant x mass of the earth / radius of the earth^2

then to hell was my last word before my first draft went on the trash folder. i think i dont have to prove anything how good i am from anybody. so i drafted another reply.

dear son of a wealthy bich in NJ,

your'e too late for the execution i've been an engineer for almost 2 years now!
how are you doin'? asa na man akong isa ka box nga bungot sa amerikana? ipadala na!!!
by the way can i have your home address? i wish to deliver a fed-exed food poison to you so you wont be able to send me another of your how-good-you-are crap, some unsolicited mails... im good in bed, i tell you...
be home soon and be safe!
kill me coz i'll kill you!!

regards from malaybalay bukidnon,


son of the poor not bitch in PHIL.

losing one of my testicles

YOU DIDN"T SEND ME OUT!!! i just dont want to unleash the monster in me!!!



walking out of work for good is one of the best remedy i ever had experience in my entire life, it feels a lot lighter and very relieving. just like losing one of my testicles. i dont wanna go bitter but let me just tell you some honest and truthful reality.



1. you are one ambitious monkey with a very bad breath. yes! everytime you speak near my face i always wanted to cover my nose before i throw up!!!!



2. you got a very disgusting body odor. hell!! you really stinks..



3. you are a goddammit son of a bitch and a certified asshole.



for all the lives you ruin, for all the nightmares you brought, for the horrible face you have!!! here is one for you!!! a big FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!!! i hope all you've done will come back to you thousand folds like you always deserve...



and for the record, give yourself some respect because nobody likes you for sure!!! your'e not being respected dude!!! give yourself a break and try to brush your teeth, have some mouth wash with you, take a bath and change your scent!!! GOODBYE CHICKEN SHIT FUCKIN" COWARD!!! we'll see each other when we all die...

the world is coming back to me!!!

whatever happened to me these past few days, the fun, the intellectual talks, the good relationship with my buddies, the love affairs, the romance, my work, my mood. my everything just came crashing right in front of my face. i don't know what is there for me to learn but I'm taking my life a little too easy and that is maybe the reason why I'm a bit confused today. i looked two years older than my real age. just this morning when i face the mirror i saw a very horrible face reflected upon my eyes. a solid black spot rounded the eye of what supposed to be a youthful figure of a man standing in front of that mirror. looking inside his eyes i saw worries, frustrations and fears.

a big mistake, i thought.

this is not me!!!

i am lost?

where have i been lately?

do i really have to equate work from hell?

do i really have to lose my intellect to suit myself to a group of friends who doesn't really mind if they're being leveled as idiots?

do i have to take few steps away from my friends who think they're better and all knowing so i can't hurt their feelings?

when is thinking become a crime?

when is critical become creative?

why does love after the commitment become a fallacy?

why when you spend a good life as a merry-go-round-happy-go-lucky the world will come back to you when all you wanted is to live your life to the fullest?

when is fun become a misery?

i will live my life exactly the way i want it to be... i want myself back!!!!

a time to kill!!!!

it was supposed to be my turnover day today since my resignation was approved effective december 31, 2007 but nobody's appointed to replace my position so i was asked to extend my duty until someone will be appointed for my position... well, goddammit, i want to quit, i needed another job, i dont want this job any more!!! but since i owe one to this company i accepted the extension but without contract, any time i want to go, i can freely go... it's another time to kill...


anyway, extending my work would mean staying at my boarding house for some couple of days more.. nice idea since i will surely miss my boardmates who eventually help me shaped my being and made me the person that i am now... this photos was taken during our boarding house christmas party... it was fun, foods were overwhelming, and of course the drinks were superb... take a look...



then there was the party hangover...



and that was the day... merry christmas everybody and have a safe new year!!!! may God bless us all!!!